Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
