here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just invented taco cereal.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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