I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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