i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
