i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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