your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
