please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
