I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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