new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
