you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
