chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
