I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
