i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
