we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
