I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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