Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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