saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
