Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
