Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
