my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
