ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
