we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
