Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
