6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
