I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
