I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
