there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
