I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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