2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I faked an abortion last night.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
