Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
