I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
