so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
