I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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