you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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