My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize