Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
