I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
