recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
