She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
