I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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