I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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