He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
