I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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