My friends, they love my intelligence
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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