I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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