She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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