Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize