fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
