Have you finally orgasmed yet?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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