he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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