it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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