She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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