at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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