I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
