We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
