Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
