Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
