I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
