bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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