Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
