My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
