I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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