I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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