Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
