Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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