Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
