I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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