In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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