i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
